Lockdown!

Spending a couple of weeks in hospital in March had conditioned me to not going anywhere and not seeing many people. As my home is so much more comfortable and exciting than a hospital room, I wasn’t too worried about having to spend 21 days in my own company when it was announced by President Ramaphosa that lockdown would commence on March 27^th. Being single, I’m already used to being quite solitary and having to entertain myself. I was a little worried about starting chemo and suffering from nasty side effects without being allowed to have anyone help me, but things have gone really well so far and I have not needed any physical assistance with anything.

After a few days I realised I was feeling lonelier than I thought I would. Previously when I started to feel like this I’d jump into my car, go and visit a friend or go for a walk at a nearby vineyard. Now, I voice call a friend, or join a group Zoom call. It helps, but it’s not the same as physically being in the presence of another person. Somehow, that seems to add to your cortisol levels in a way that a face on a screen just cannot do.

Cancer vs COVID-19

My biggest struggle these last few weeks has been trying to balance the importance of cancer and COVID-19 in my life. Some days all I can think about is myself and how I’m doing. Is that headache from the chemo, or should I be worried? Am I really feeling nauseous, or is it boredom and inertia that are making me feel a bit bleugh?

Other days I feel the panic rising that the world out there is slowly collapsing and there’s nothing I can do about it. I worry about my family and friends. Some have lost their jobs; some have lost part of their income. Some don’t have safe places to stay. I worry about people I don’t even know, but who must be having a really bad time in lockdown. I worry about myself too. What will happen to me if I lose my job(s) or lose my house? What will happen to my cats? When I’m worrying about myself, I feel like I’m being selfish. When I’m worrying about COVID, I feel guilty that I’m somehow depleting my powers of healing and am doing myself an injustice.

And don’t even get me started on all the memes, videos, links, jokes and sayings that get furiously sent around on WhatsApp and Facebook. I often get three or four of the same thing and it’s driving me crazy. I had to make the decision, for my own sanity, to delete most things without opening them. It is total information overload for me right now – all the wrong kinds of information – and I choose not to partake for now.  

I’ve also made the decision to focus more on my treatment and on getting healthy again. I can’t be of assistance to anyone if I don’t make sure that I’m ok first. I have put down the guilt I’ve been feeling about this and I’m moving forward with my eye on the end goal of health.

Is anybody out there?

I sometimes stand at my front door and look through the security gate to see if I can spot any movement in the street. Occasionally I can hear kids playing in their gardens, or cars and sirens in the distance, but mostly it’s eerily quiet and disconcerting. Every time I hear the sliding gate over the road open, I rush to the door. I don’t know why because I can’t really see much; maybe it’s just to know that other people are out there.

I’ve been out three times since lockdown started and all have been for medical reasons. Next week I have to go for blood tests on Tuesday and my next chemo session will be on Wednesday. Neither of them fun things to do, but the thought of getting in my car and driving somewhere feels like a big treat. Visiting my doctor feels like that real-life conversation I’ve been craving. Seeing the nurses and other patients in the chemo room and being able to speak to them feels like I’ve just been invited to a party!

Writing this blog is enabling me to get all these murky thoughts that have been echoing around my head, to form themselves into actual words. It’s allowing me to understand better how I’m feeling and why. I urge any of you who are struggling with something to write it all down. It’s true that things become clearer when you do this.